Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Some New Baseline

In all fairness to my relatively underdeveloped self-actualization skills, recently I've been getting into a constant state of Zen (or something Zen-like) it's a little unnerving. I still have first-world and third-world problems, don't worry, none of that's going to go away soon. But what's changed is how things feel inside me.

Something's happened, ladies and gentlemen, and I'm not sure what it is.

This morning, in the cab, late once again to work (I will have to some day address that with some semblance of finality), I suddenly became frightfully aware that I hadn't taken time out to recount the good stuff that's been happening for the last week. This awareness is strange for me. Of course I've learned from somewhere that gratitude is such a critical component of happiness, but I usually wait until the dark clouds of depression are already upon me before I start doing anything about it.

I'm a little crash and burn that way. I aim for perfection, give it my all, fail, then make all sorts of sad stories about why I failed. I'm far from completely overcoming my tendencies to be overly dramatic but recently I'm just a little more in tune with what I feel.

I'm not sure what it is. Last night, I admitted to Maiko that there'd been times the past couple of years when I'd feel so sad that I'm still single. But I tried recalling when the last time was and it was such a nice surprise to know it has been a while. A long while, actually. Like, very early this year.

What happened?

I'm not sure, but here's what I'm noticing: I'm taking some risks. I self-energize through spontaneous goal creation (however simple or stupid the goal is, like, strike up a conversation with the cab driver, or walk when you really don't feel like walking), I can remove myself from what I'm feeling so it doesn't own me, I can make up nicer-sounding stories about why some things don't work out, and I'm beginning to instinctively look for the good in what is.

It's pretty amazing. You should be me to know what I mean. I'm not sure how long this is going to last, but I'd like to record it for posterity so I can tell myself I've done it in the past and so I can do it again.

Everything looks brighter.