Friday, September 10, 2010

Running Blind

I'm taking a one-week leave (sort of) from work. My last long vacation was in March, extending almost a week to meet up with L.A.-based relatives and friends. So, five straight months of work (weekends only to unplug only to have to wake up and realize it's Monday again) have done much damage and much good.
I'm not sure I fare well focusing on myself. But the premise of the leave is that _not_ finding time to do so will likely kill me. It already is, and I guess it'd be okay if I'm the only one shrinking into a knotty, neurotic ball, but this knotty, neurotic ball (like Pig-Pen) comes with a cloud. And, whether or not I intend to do so, whether or not people actually care about my story, I'm fully aware what it's like living alongside a fucking dementor.

So, ironically, the only way I can safely love the world is to start loving myself. Recent pseudo-psychoanalysis sessions with the final friends revealed things I already knew and feared: that I've been living a shadow of my former vibrant, carefree self because of an accumulated set of regrets and what-ifs and what-should-have-beens.

I'm not sure where I learned that. Regret is probably convoluted pride (yet again). It's allowing your brain to carry two sets of distinct realities, and something inside just cannot let go of the ideal in the misguided belief that doing so will force that reality to manifest. Or something in the brain has begun to enjoy the drama of moping and chewing on errors past. Either way, inward-looking. Not healthy.

The reality is that life is very forgiving. The reality is reality follows perception (please file under yet another Fringe reference). The reality is no one else can tell you what this world is about except yourself. Or at least the voice/s in your mind.

I know it takes thirteen days to form a habit, but I hope nine days can start me off on the right track. There will be a lot of running, self-pampering, reading, writing, and hopefully, _not_ thinking. I considered taking a vacation away from home but I already know doing so in this state of mind will not do me good. I have to clean up after myself wherever my mess is. I can't be ready to take on the world again if I can no longer live with the voices in my head. My brain needs an overhaul. :-D

With that, see you on the other side!

(Note on August 12, 2012: This was originally posted on my Tumblr.  I'm doing some online housekeeping and I figured I'd leave my Tumblr out of the drama and corral introspective shit here. I left my blog last August of 2009 but I've reemerged somewhere between that and this.)

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