I'm taking a one-week leave (sort of) from work. My last long vacation was in March, extending almost a week to meet up with L.A.-based relatives and friends. So, five straight months of work (weekends only to unplug only to have to wake up and realize it's Monday again) have done much damage and much good.
I'm not sure I fare
well focusing on myself. But the premise of the leave is that _not_
finding time to do so will likely kill me. It already is, and I guess
it'd be okay if I'm the only one shrinking into a knotty, neurotic ball,
but this knotty, neurotic ball (like Pig-Pen)
comes with a cloud. And, whether or not I intend to do so, whether or
not people actually care about my story, I'm fully aware what it's like
living alongside a fucking dementor.
So, ironically, the only way I
can safely love the world is to start loving myself. Recent
pseudo-psychoanalysis sessions with the final friends revealed things
I already knew and feared: that I've been living a shadow of my former
vibrant, carefree self because of an accumulated set of regrets and
what-ifs and what-should-have-beens.
I'm not sure where I learned
that. Regret is probably convoluted pride (yet again). It's allowing
your brain to carry two sets of distinct realities, and something inside
just cannot let go of the ideal in the misguided belief that doing so
will force that reality to manifest. Or something in the brain has begun
to enjoy the drama of moping and chewing on errors past. Either way,
inward-looking. Not healthy.
The reality is that life is very
forgiving. The reality is reality follows perception (please file under
yet another Fringe reference). The reality is no one else can tell you
what this world is about except yourself. Or at least the voice/s in
I know it takes thirteen days to form a habit, but I
hope nine days can start me off on the right track. There will be a lot
of running, self-pampering, reading, writing, and hopefully, _not_
thinking. I considered taking a vacation away from home but I already
know doing so in this state of mind will not do me good. I have to clean
up after myself wherever my mess is. I can't be ready to take on the
world again if I can no longer live with the voices in my head. My brain
needs an overhaul. :-D
With that, see you on the other side!