Saturday, September 11, 2010

Day One of Whatever This Is

(written during the middle of Day One but anyway)
Of course I stopped trusting myself to make the right decisions somewhere along the way (or at least the past few months). So every now and then when I get flashes of clarity about things, I just need to write them down, and today, while running, it was that pretty girls win not because they're pretty, but because they look so sure of themselves.

I'm sure a little insecurity is incredibly attractive, but the key is to not have too much of it to overpower your personality. Mine's bursting at the seams. Today I planned to lose it somehow, not as if a simple procedure can take away an entire lifetime's worth of emotional baggage, but hey water drops can erode walls if applied consistently and patiently.

Running, AGAIN, was the answer. I hate to have the answer right up there with me and me not doing anything to apply it, it's just like how I've read and seen everything there is to know about the pursuit of happiness, while everyone else is out there actually pursuing happiness.

I'm stupid like that and you can charge it to an antiquated, disrespectful soul fully aware that life is eternal and therefore not to be taken too seriously. In effect, languidity, ennui. Soul-shrinking boredom. Fatalism. Past-negativity. Future-forlorness. Losing the present.

I'm not gonna lie to you and say there weren't moments even when running, when bad thoughts come and attempt to whisk me away to that happy slash memorable place--I'm a classic over-thinker. Even my biological makeup insists I look for things to make me sad. I've lost the cortical lottery (happiness theory) and will probably need Prozac to cope.

But the reason I remain hopeful is also precisely because something inside me feels life is eternal (I may not think so, but my actions are suspect). Life is forgiving if only because in most instances of depression, you don't really die.

And, actually, not dying is pretty damn cool.

(Note on August 12, 2012: This was originally posted on my Tumblr.  I'm doing some online housekeeping and I figured I'd leave my Tumblr out of the drama and corral introspective shit here. I left my blog last August of 2009 but I've reemerged somewhere between that and this.)

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