(written during the middle of Day One but anyway)
course I stopped trusting myself to make the right decisions somewhere
along the way (or at least the past few months). So every now and then
when I get flashes of clarity about things, I just need to write them
down, and today, while running, it was that pretty girls win not because
they're pretty, but because they look so sure of themselves.
sure a little insecurity is incredibly attractive, but the key is to
not have too much of it to overpower your personality. Mine's bursting
at the seams. Today I planned to lose it somehow, not as if a simple
procedure can take away an entire lifetime's worth of emotional baggage,
but hey water drops can erode walls if applied consistently and
Running, AGAIN, was the answer. I hate to have the
answer right up there with me and me not doing anything to apply it,
it's just like how I've read and seen everything there is to know about
the pursuit of happiness, while everyone else is out there actually
I'm stupid like that and you can charge it to
an antiquated, disrespectful soul fully aware that life is eternal and
therefore not to be taken too seriously. In effect, languidity, ennui.
Soul-shrinking boredom. Fatalism. Past-negativity. Future-forlorness.
Losing the present.
I'm not gonna lie to you and say there
weren't moments even when running, when bad thoughts come and attempt to
whisk me away to that happy slash memorable place--I'm a classic
over-thinker. Even my biological makeup insists I look for things to
make me sad. I've lost the cortical lottery (happiness theory) and will
probably need Prozac to cope.
But the reason I remain hopeful is
also precisely because something inside me feels life is eternal (I may
not think so, but my actions are suspect). Life is forgiving if only
because in most instances of depression, you don't really die.
And, actually, not dying is pretty damn cool.