Thursday, November 1, 2007

Feelings are Things

I can't even begin to explain the layers and emotions and ironies that enveloped Lust, Caution, an Ang Lee film based on a short story that was about "what killed love for Eileen Chang," the story's first author. Mostly because the plot was so strong and compelling: it pitted life and love so squarely against each other that what Wong Chia Chi (Mrs. Mak) chose in the end took my breath away.

And in a rather oblique self-realization a while ago (happy bunch goes to HotBod's house for the regulation dose of drink-before-the-weekend-hits inebriation), I had a feeling the reason I get so little out of life (and not even in a Zen "I am at peace at all times" kind of detachment) is because I pay so little attention to what's happening in front of me.

It's not about the anesthesia during 3rd year high school which, although it did effectively blur childhood memories, did not manage to kill all my major brain cells. It's more about a fear of life, a fear of the universe not wanting me back, or in it.

It's not about drama or self-pity (which is so absurdly cheap I try and not go there at night) -- it's more about losing touch with that big cosmic wave people have no problem riding everyday. Sometimes I over-think -- unfortunately not towards making myself smarter than when I started, but more confused. I have searing observation skills for certain things -- I can weed out lesbians even before they know they like girls (hehe), I can understand truly platonic relationships when everybody's saying there's something there, and I can sense tension like nobody else.

But when it comes to making my life work, remembering things, doing things for myself, enjoying stuff, I stutter often. My mind would flit around like I wasn't where I was at all. And the places it'd go to -- they are not friendly places. This was why the college barkada would say I needed prodding, why the mother would accuse me of never listening what she says, and why my life used to be one big hodge-podge of dead-ends and wishful thinking.

Jefferson of the dead blog would probably tell me how easy it was to remedy this seemingly insurmountable problem, and I'll say it fast before anybody else does: GET WITH THE PROGRAM! So from now on I will try my darned best to be wherever I am (doesn't that sound strange a bit): dear world, I am paying attention to you now. Because I don't want to miss a thing.
Mood: paying attention now


Anonymous said...

don't wanna close my eyes... :D

tintination said...

afraid to live = macky. You've known that all along. It's been 20+ years and you still haven't done anything about it. I really do hope that when you say starting today you'll live, you will.

Macky Cruz said...

bet on it.