Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Beat Madness by One

There come bad days. Days when you just quite literally want to die. I've felt it, you've felt it, everyone and their mother has had really bad days.

Sometimes I don't recover as quickly as I want. There are weeks and weeks where I would feel like I'm recycling tired monologues about all the things that are bad in the world.

Oh, but there are days, there are days when everything just feels so right you feel like the universe is quite literally bending, transforming molecules according to your desires. Days when you're just so in the zone, so in the flow of things, time stops, the world slows down and there's only you and the matter at hand.

These days, while golden, are golden precisely because the bad days exist. If this was how the world works, where the norm is the universe heeding your will, wouldn't a bad day actually feel good? The novelty, the burst of dopamine, the spark of recognition in the brain (saying, hey, this shit is new).

While my mind is wired to look for absolutes, I'm slowly learning the beauty of .. well, gray. Or not gray as in drab gray, but ambiguous gray. A gray you can describe as closer to charcoal and farther from smog, but, definitely neither black or white, and how that tone of gray is a new thing, a thing that is not quite either black or white.

And so, the past couple of months, whenever I feel down, I'd whip out an app to list the things that suck. Then I will list the things that rock. And the moment the things that rock begin outweighing the things that suck, I spontaneously begin to feel better. Maybe there's a little brain trickery there, that I'm in fact training my brain to look for the good things even in especially trying circumstances.

I don't care what you think, but I'll take any means to keep insanity at bay.

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