Thursday, February 14, 2013

Not This Time. Again.

The pillow is wet again tonight for the only thing that ever really mattered to me. I knew coming down from the shuttle that I wanted it too badly for the forces of the universe to actually bother to conspire and hand it to me that easily.

But here's my case. I've been putting myself out there for years. Years. I've been putting in strange hours and giving up time for other stuff and even watching my time in at work suffer progressively. All because of that glimmer of hope.

And today of all days, I needed a win. Every new rejection feels like a train pulling away. Every negative reply is like a stake through the chest.

I wonder sometimes if all this pain will ever be worth it.

OMG reading it now and considering the date I realize how fucking pathetic this sounds without the proper context. For the record I got my nth rejection for the writing thing. Yes, I may be fabulous but I feel pain, too.

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