Saturday, January 2, 2010

Closet Optimists

That's what some of us are. Only problem with getting our hopes up is the possibility of rejection, humiliation, frustration, failure. If you really want to psyche yourself up you can look at the governing chances and realize there's an equally good chance it's all going to go your way.

You think up dreams inside your head and hope, and cry, and die inside, the closer you deal with "reality," or at least that version of reality where your current life situation is nowhere near where you want it to be.

Hardest thing is to not really know where to go. Fortunately, a lot of us are in that boat. The possibilities have unfolded, and we find ourselves overwhelmed, almost deluged by everything we can be, do or become. The downside to choices: utter bewilderment.

It had taken a toll on me the past few months, mostly because I was peripherally aware that people my age had gone on to do stuff "normal" people do: get hitched, have kids, solidify a professional career. And while I have no intention of really going down that same path, sometimes I ask myself what good am I really getting doing my own thing?

And can I really find peace and fulfillment doing that which other people are doing? Maybe, maybe not, and therein lies the answer. The fact that I'm asking bothers me. Self-awareness kicks in, says, you're really not that happy to be asking these questions, are you?

And I'm not, really. I'm disappointed in myself for making some strange choices. I'm frustrated that everything I think I can do could not make itself kinetic. I feel a little stuck, a little stumped, a little scared of the New Year. I envy that you are not that scared, or as scared as I am, but I know I'll survive it, maybe even get a kick out of it in the process, but the fear is real. I try not to listen to it.

Somewhere someone said the human mind cannot comprehend its own mortality. That's the reason we make plans for the future, why we live like we cannot die. Good news for the carpe diem types but I think I've been at it the wrong way: I feel like I have all the time in the world to do what I want and so I'm more catatonic than I'd care to admit.

Not good.

(Note on August 12, 2012: This was originally posted on my Tumblr.  I'm doing some online housekeeping and I figured I'd leave my Tumblr out of the drama and corral introspective shit here. I left my blog last August of 2009 but I've reemerged somewhere between that and this.)

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