So what is a kinder word for sheeple? I'm asking, because we have to have a point of departure. We don't want to be sheeple. We want to liiiiiive.
Well, so, the moment I begin wondering whether why I hate people has anything to do with any ugly past experience, I question why the assumption that my past has anything to do with what I am today is so strong. But the fact is, plain and simple, people mortify me. It's always been that way. They mortify me each and every moment of the day, despite me looking all cool and steady when they're around. People are strange, frighteningly beautiful, utterly fragile things. They're freaking metal butterflies.
I got someone trying to figure out what I am without the nice vibe and the exercise amazes me because it assumes there is a me that exists apart from the me that is me now. I'm not saying actions have nothing to do with what one is, just that what one really is (humanda ka dito, pare) is the best any one can be given the best possible set of conditions for growth. So what you can do when you're pissed is no basis for saying this is you, this is what you are.
But okay, seeing that can be fun. Let's all bask in our humanity and celebrate all things dark and ugly in being ourselves.
Being kind isn't even a good thing (think doormat, pushovers, external niceties, human respects). And appearing evil or cruel may mean you're stirring the waters and that's never a completely morally corrupt thing (think fighting groupthink, busting preconceptions about typical human behavior, being closer to truth than anyone else).
On a totally unrelated note, there is a 'center for pop' in people's brains that I kinda missed ever developing. I can't attribute it to generation gap. It's more a me thing. Millennials are sponges. But Gen X-ers can be pretty adept naming movies and songs and TV shows--so yes, it's more a me thing. Later in my life I might figure out what filled up that side of my brain and I don't know whether it'll make me happy or sad or maybe just slightly amused, but right now the only thing I'm sure about is it's different. I googled it, see, and I'm sure it must be some sort of secret superpower: like for thinking of the least likely association between two random things and going to places with it, making it sing, making it flyyy, baby.
One day there'll be use for this, and I'll be goddam famous.
Meanwhile, this brain must sleep.