Spell

Might as well write about it, you know. I'm having a spell again, and the heat is not helping. Is life always like this? Days of joy, days of madness. There's this ache, the one that doesn't go away, or the one that does but comes back mightily on its own, without warning, without mercy.

I thank writing for allowing me to name things. A spell! This is a spell, a weird spell, the kind of spell that screws you right over.

But I'm okay, all things considered. I just had a really good time yesterday, no alcohol involved, and I remember smiling to myself in the living room at midnight, thinking, this must be what happiness is. I have all these goals but what do they mean if you're bleeding inside in the present moment? Address that, and you can move planets.

It just gets scary sometimes, how I'm doing all this alone, that I have to constantly remind myself that my mind is brilliant enough to make this thing happen, despite the odds, despite the criticism, despite the voices in my own head.

I got another rejection from an agent again today. I've got 33 more to query before I call it quits.