I was going to do a rundown of the year that was when I realized the task was impossible. A year is arbitrary -- I keep saying that. I've been seeing my life in phases and this phase is a good phase so far. Friends are leaving left and right, but there are some left, plus leaving doesn't mean we'll never see each other again.
The one thing that has changed palpably from Macky, Day Zero was that missing sliver of happiness one gets from being able to comfortably tell the universe what one wants, without fear of judgment or scorn. And of daring to feel, to plunge in, to venture into pleasures and pains with the conscious desire to pick something up from the experience.
Paying attention is really what this life is all about. Life as it happens is wonderful only if you're looking hard enough to see what's so wonderful about it. So look closely, everyday. Right now what is wonderful is this: my mother chasing down kitchen tasks one after another, the pineapple syrup on the stove slowly caramelizing into something the (belated) Christmas ham will like, the increasing regularity of firecrackers exploding outside our house, the ear-busting happy music from the Bartender Extraordinaire's mobile sound system, the boxes of cream puffs for distribution to the immediate neighbors, scattered loot bags for the other kind of neighbors, the rush, the feeling of closure, the frantic need to not break the yearly tradition of filling pockets with mounds of cash to ensure prosperity for the coming year, the phone calls, the flood of text messages, all this good food, the groceries, the feeling of opulence which should last us throughout the year, my doomed efforts at squeezing in financial paperwork for the year to come, the craziness of having to shout to get heard, and this, in the middle of all things loud and zany, this steady heartbeat.
There is much to be said about being okay with the world. Last Saturday I gave the Lord everything He must know about me, and so in that aspect we are friends again. I can pretend this doesn't matter to me, but it does, and so all is well in Mackyscope.